The Torture of the TA wait

I've questioned posting this one. I don't want to sound whiny or weak. But I want others to have a real picture of this adoption journey. So...

This wait for the Travel Approval (TA) is torture.

There is a blanket sitting and waiting for my Simon. I've heard that some moms sleep with them each night. I can't do it.

There is a teddy bear that is stuffed in Simon's orange backpack. I can't even look at it.

There is a pile of clothes that belong to Simon that I can't bring myself to wash.

I am so close and yet so far away. My son is waiting on the other side of the world. And as far as I know he has no idea that I am coming yet.

He is waking up right now and going through another routine day and has no idea that his mama and baba have been climbing every mountain in their path and running this unending race to get to him.

He will go to bed tonight without praying with me, without even knowing there is a God who has been watching him all this time.

He had another transfusion and I rejoice in that. I do. It is keeping his heart beating until I get there. But I missed it. I missed ANOTHER trip to the hospital. I missed another needle poking.

I want to be there and hold him. I want to whisper in his ear that it's okay. I want him here in our hospital with nurses that will spoil him silly.

I want to be done. The urge to hop on the next outgoing plane is almost unbearable.

So, if I seem distant or loopy please forgive me. I have a one track mind right now, to get on that plane and gather my son in my arms and cry my eyes out knowing that this is finally over and that he is fully mine.

I'm not afraid. I'm not discouraged. I'm excited, but at the same time I'm done with this waiting. This waiting nonsense is for the birds.

There you have it. Truth. The ache of this wait.