God has really been challenging me in my own views of adoption. I always considered myself to be very open in terms of adopting. But then I realize how proud and arrogant that makes me. I considered myself. Me. I was thinking of me, always me. Sure I couched it in spiritual terms, but the heart was still about me. Why do I consider myself so often? Why don't I instead focus all my energy on Christ and consider Him? Isn't that the very definition of humility? Considering myself less and considering Him more?
When I stop to consider what God wants of us in adoption and orphan care my ideals are shattered. My heart is broken with the realization that I refuse Him. I refuse the least of these that He calls us to watch over. Why is there a five year waiting list for healthy young babies in China while the broken ones, the sick ones are left to live and die as orphans? Where is Christ in that?
We as American Christians have this consumer ideal in our adoptions. I include myself in that statement, because I see it staring me in my face. I expect something in return. I feel entitled.
I'm going to be painfully open with you. The truth is I look at the orphans and the children with significant disease and a part of me turns my face away because dog-gone-it if I am going to spend my little savings and sacrifice to bring an orphan home I sure as heck don't want him dying on me! My heart breaks at the selfishness of that statement. How have I lived so long advocating for the orphan and not see that blackness in my own heart? How have I nodded my head along with others in conversations about those "sad" cases that will never have a home? How have I not rushed to their aid and defense and told myself and others that they are still worthy of our love however short their time may be? Father God, forgive me!
It has hit so close to home this week as I heard of a family adopting a girl with the same condition as our little guy and their daughter died before they were able to complete the adoption. It hit close to home as I questioned our own adoption. What if he doesn't make it? What if we spend every dime we have and he dies before I can hold him in my arms and tell him he was loved? Is he still worth the cost, the emotional cost, the financial cost? I know how awful that sounds. I've listened to those questions run through my mind and been voiced by others this week to us and I have felt my Father's heart breaking as I considered the cost to me.
The truth is I am so unworthy. I am unworthy to be adopted by God. I am unworthy to be used by Him. I am unworthy to call Him my Father. But instead of seeing how unworthy I am He sees how worthy Christ has made me. He saves His children on their death bed when they sometimes have just minutes left. He calls them by name and hold them in His arms while they breathe their final breath even if they have been His child for only a few minutes.
So, I consider Him. I consider His call to the orphans. I consider how worthy He is and He has called us to care for these children. He has told us to hold them for however long that might be. The ugly truth is that I may never hold my son in my arms. I may never kiss his little head or whisper to him how very much I love him. But I know that He is whispering of His love to my son and that my God's love is more than enough.
What I know is that God has told me to try and so I will try. I will give everything I have for the possibility of saving one, but more importantly I will give everything I have to follow my Father. All praise to Him. All praise to the one Who is so worthy. All praise to Him Who holds the unworthy and calls them His own. All praise to Him.